man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
There’s only one good girl here!
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.