NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
You Might Also Like
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I don’t know what to do
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”