Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.