Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
You Might Also Like
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.