Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
You Might Also Like
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
plant them where lol
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Sunday
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking