*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.