ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.