I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Breaking news:
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.