[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You Might Also Like
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.