Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
You Might Also Like
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
ready to be harvested
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?