“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Running from your problems is cardio .
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.