(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*