[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Möther may I have a snäck
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!