doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.