The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?