ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!