Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
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I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Möther may I have a snäck
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX