a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.