Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
i wish all
whales
a very
big
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.