“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
The news
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.