“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
People buying plungers never look happy.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%