[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
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A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …