Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
dutch so unserious
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*