[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I know a bad idea when I see one.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen