Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
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They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.