Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
You Might Also Like
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics