Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
You Might Also Like
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.