just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a