There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.