Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you