Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
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I’m about to risk it all
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
i hope my email finds you on fire
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.