Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings