I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.