I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word