I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
We have a winner.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
All generalizations are stupid.