ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.