mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
You Might Also Like
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park