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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.