*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Only a mother’s love …
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
inside you are two wolves
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?