I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT