[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
A wise man once said nothing.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Taliband
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.