What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers