2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days