The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens