Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
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What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.