They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
You Might Also Like
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
When you don’t understand how floors work
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]