A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
#damn
I hate my earbuds.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.