Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.