Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)