You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD